Sorry. A brisk start from yours truly last Saturday meant I was on the road by 7am, hoping to beat the Saturday football hooligans on the M1 en-route to various London football stadiums to get arrested for crimes against hairdressing. What I thought would be the journey from hell what with the M1 widening schemes, Heathrow Airport and its usually immense traffic chaos and the M25 just being the M25, actually turned out to be like a casual punt around the Cambridge Backs quaffing a summery ale and the journey that I anticipated to be well over 2 hours to Caterham actually took me just over the hour. This of course meant I had to kill about an hour in the various car parks and public amenities (!) in Caterham.
After drinking a considerable amount of freeze dried coffee and eating enough biscuits to constitute breakfast I met up with the others, after brief catch-ups and the shaking of hands we all pinned our little name badges on. It was going to be one of those weekends. Happy Clappy Umpiring...................................... Excellent.
Lesson One - How to put on an umpiring coat and humanoid evolutionary movement theory - How to walk towards the Middle - the European Left Foot / Right Foot Method.
Any Questions? ..........................................and there was.
We studied everything. Everything.
How to enjoy umpiring?, how to be an umpire?, how to stand like an umpire?, what a ball is?, what hat should I wear?, bails; wood-whittling genius or cricketing necessity?, what's an over?, what's an under? How wide should my popping crease be? Whats a popping crease?, the lot.
In fairness, it was a course designed to crash through the rudiments of umpiring and what we may expect on the field of play when a judgement may need to be called for; and because of this it proved to be useful. Admittedly, some of the examples discussed were so far away from the realms of any human possibility that it would be more likely that play would be stopped due to an imminent stampede of Giraffe, hurtling across the square. Despite the tutors saying point blank that "this never happens in reality" many, many, many times it didn't stop several fellow members of the "Blue" team including False Teeth Guy, Grey Drab Man, Hard of Hearing Bloke and Mr Repeater asking the most insane questions I have, simply, ever heard.
Tutor Andrew - "It's a no ball when the bowler decides to bowl from around the wicket having already declared to the umpire that he will be coming over the wicket, OK?"
FTG - "Sorry Andrew, can, can, um, can you explain that again."
Tutor Andrew - "Certainly FTG, if the bowler says he will be bowling right arm over and he then decides to approach the wicket from around the wicket without declaring it to the umpire; you, as that umpire should say, "No Ball" in an authoritative and audible manner towards the Scorers holding out one arm".
FTG - "OK, Thanks. Got it. Sorry, um, what if the bowler then decides to creep up behind the umpire on his tip-toes like a black and white villain that's just tied his c*ck to a railway track and bowls the bowl over the umpires head. Surely, he's still over the wicket, as he's bowled, um, like ...over the wicket".
Tutor Andrew - "Errr, not sure that would really happen in reality, FTG."
Grey Drab Man - "It might. And what if the non-striker turning for his second run was flattened by a falling grand piano, would the second run count as they'd have crossed"
Hard of Hearing Bloke - "What was the original question, please?"
Mr Repeater - "What was the original question, please, yes, please?"
FTG - "Um, also, what happens if square leg's arms fall off and he trips over them in attempt to stop a second run; is that Obstructing the Field?"
Mr Repeater - "Obstructing the field, yes."
Hard of Hearing Bloke - "What was that?"
Tutor - "Sorry everyone, which questions are we talking about?".
Mr Repeater "Yes, which one?".
Hard of Hearing Bloke - "Hmm?"
Grey Drab Man - "the one that if one of the fielding team is standing on a boundary fence (seriously) and jumps off the fence and catches the ball in mid-flight and teeters on landing so that the ball, still under control, has been carried over said fenceline; does that consitute a 6 Andrew?............... Andrew?........................... Andrew?."
FTG - "So hiding behind the Umpire and bowling over the Umpire's head, isn't legal then? I don't think I agree with that"
Tutor Andrews head had exploded several minutes ago.
I think I saw Cuzza climbing out of the classroom window at that point obviously trying to see if a jump from the 3rd floor was a. possible and b. worth the pain.
As Hillsy, Paola and CBN were in the "Orange" team, I wasn't sure whether they were having the same questions and answer sessions, but I am sure they were.
LBW's and No Balls, we were advised, will constitute a significant part of the exam (which I had better pass now by the way) so this area was studied at some length and the tutors did try and make sure we were all clear as much as possible on something that basically boils down to someones ability to form an opinion. I must say that there was quite a lot of good stuff in this bit and I think, whoever gets the coat on the Mountain, that quick on the draw is probably the only way to overcome any match day nerves. Basically, if it hits the pad, you're probably going to be taking an early shower.
We were then given a practical demonstration of what an umpire should be prepared for and what they should carry in a little, belt-holstered, "Man-Bag". Bails, 3 of. Heavy Bails, 3 of. 6 coins, plus 1 extra of. 1 pencil, pointed. 1 piece of card, white. 1 Towel, John Smiths variety. Ball Gauge, What? 1 copy of the MCC rules, thumbed. One semi-automatic Heckler & Koch sub-machine gun, 1 small dachshund, 1 penknife, 1 complete works of William Shakespeare, fruitcake and bog-roll. That should just about cover all eventuality we are likely to encounter.
We were also given advice on how to keep the Skippers moving along and getting the game organised and what to do if only one official umpire is present. Important issues that face clubs everywhere, every week in the summer. In my experience of playing club cricket for 20 years, the idea of getting a player to do the umpiring from the other end usually ends in tears. It simply wouldn't be English club cricket without the Square Leg ump, puffing away on a Benson and Hedges, scratching his nuts in board shorts and flip-flops, texting or playing Jenga on his mobile phone, chucking various sh*t found on the floor at the facing batsmen as he receives the delivery or, quite simply, looking elsewhere and picking his nose when that all important, match-deciding stumping happens. That, right there, makes English club so cricket bloody brilliant.
Long story short; we all managed to do well on the mock exam in preparation for the final exam next Tuesday, back in Caterham.
Even though it had its moments, the course was informative, was useful and is a necessary requirement if we are to be successful in Nepal in April. Thanks to the Tutors that gave up a weekend to teach something that is obviously key to keeping league, club and kids cricket alive. Being "in charge" of a cricket club and an active cricket coach, I know that club cricket survives only by the willingness of people to volunteer and help provide these services. I just wish I had a recording of some of the most insane questions you are ever likely to hear, so that you could hear them for yourself. I am very glad I had the company in the shape of the other Everest guys and girls and that hopefully we shall pull together and, by hook or by crook, pass on Tuesday.
Next Stop, Oxford.
Keep you informed
Tutor Andrews head had exploded several minutes ago.
I think I saw Cuzza climbing out of the classroom window at that point obviously trying to see if a jump from the 3rd floor was a. possible and b. worth the pain.
As Hillsy, Paola and CBN were in the "Orange" team, I wasn't sure whether they were having the same questions and answer sessions, but I am sure they were.
LBW's and No Balls, we were advised, will constitute a significant part of the exam (which I had better pass now by the way) so this area was studied at some length and the tutors did try and make sure we were all clear as much as possible on something that basically boils down to someones ability to form an opinion. I must say that there was quite a lot of good stuff in this bit and I think, whoever gets the coat on the Mountain, that quick on the draw is probably the only way to overcome any match day nerves. Basically, if it hits the pad, you're probably going to be taking an early shower.
We were then given a practical demonstration of what an umpire should be prepared for and what they should carry in a little, belt-holstered, "Man-Bag". Bails, 3 of. Heavy Bails, 3 of. 6 coins, plus 1 extra of. 1 pencil, pointed. 1 piece of card, white. 1 Towel, John Smiths variety. Ball Gauge, What? 1 copy of the MCC rules, thumbed. One semi-automatic Heckler & Koch sub-machine gun, 1 small dachshund, 1 penknife, 1 complete works of William Shakespeare, fruitcake and bog-roll. That should just about cover all eventuality we are likely to encounter.
We were also given advice on how to keep the Skippers moving along and getting the game organised and what to do if only one official umpire is present. Important issues that face clubs everywhere, every week in the summer. In my experience of playing club cricket for 20 years, the idea of getting a player to do the umpiring from the other end usually ends in tears. It simply wouldn't be English club cricket without the Square Leg ump, puffing away on a Benson and Hedges, scratching his nuts in board shorts and flip-flops, texting or playing Jenga on his mobile phone, chucking various sh*t found on the floor at the facing batsmen as he receives the delivery or, quite simply, looking elsewhere and picking his nose when that all important, match-deciding stumping happens. That, right there, makes English club so cricket bloody brilliant.
Long story short; we all managed to do well on the mock exam in preparation for the final exam next Tuesday, back in Caterham.
Even though it had its moments, the course was informative, was useful and is a necessary requirement if we are to be successful in Nepal in April. Thanks to the Tutors that gave up a weekend to teach something that is obviously key to keeping league, club and kids cricket alive. Being "in charge" of a cricket club and an active cricket coach, I know that club cricket survives only by the willingness of people to volunteer and help provide these services. I just wish I had a recording of some of the most insane questions you are ever likely to hear, so that you could hear them for yourself. I am very glad I had the company in the shape of the other Everest guys and girls and that hopefully we shall pull together and, by hook or by crook, pass on Tuesday.
Next Stop, Oxford.
Keep you informed
3 comments:
Exceptional, as always! And disturbingly accurate!
that was superb in every way
Had to be seen to be believed, that made me laugh so much I cried...
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